I have always known that I liked girls but what I never knew was that it would put me in a category that would define my standing in society for my whole life, the societal expectations and the oppression I would face.
In middle school, as I started making friends, there were moments where they would talk about boys where I just felt out of place and would realize that I was not normal, not like the others. Later in life, I understood that there is a system of power which rewards and encourages some individuals and activities, while punishing and suppressing others for doing the same. (Rubin, 2007) The way I was, was not rewarded but rather pushed aside and looked down upon. As the years went by, I tried to ignore it and “blend into” society. Ignoring a crucial part of my identity made all of my relationships and interactions with people feel shallow as if I couldn’t show others my true self. Specifically, my relationship with my mother was heavily affected and I always felt distant from her. Every "Do you have a boyfriend?”, “Which boys do you have a crush on?” made me feel more and more unaccepted. I could imagine the expectations she had for me, the life she drew for me even before I was born and it was weighing on me as I knew there was a huge part of it I could never fulfill. I was scared that if I was fully myself, she would not accept me so I kept holding back and never even letting myself dream about getting married or even being in a relationship with a woman as I could not bear the thought of my mom being disappointed in me.
Finding it hard to imagine a future that I could share with a lover, I felt ostracized every time my friends would talk about their dream wedding and having kids in the future, selfishly craving a world where I could also dream about those. My whole perspective on love and relationships were jaded as I could no longer enjoy the freedom of being unashamed of my feelings and was even scared of expressing my love for a girl let alone be in a relationship with one.
In a society where heterosexual individuals whose behavior stands high in the hierarchy are rewarded; sexual behaviors such as homosexuality fall lower on the scale, the individuals who practice them are subjected to a restricted social and physical mobility, loss of institutional support, and economic sanctions as well as other oppression in society (Rubin, 2007). I didn't know where I could fit within this society or how I could live as a lesbian which made me develop internalized homophobia. Denying my identity, hating myself for it was hard but fully starting to call myself a lesbian and getting comfortable with my identity was even harder. Detaching myself from the attraction to men I had formed as a coping mechanism to hide from my parents’ disappointment and facing the fact that I will never be aligned with traditional societal roles anymore took courage.
Even after coming out and starting to express more freely, I started facing even more difficulties and another set of societal roles were stacked on me from my own community. Expressing myself in a masculine way made me feel more like myself, so eventually I started
slowly adopting a more masculine style and mannerisms. This added a different layer to my identity as a butch lesbian. I felt myself starting to divert more and more from societal expectations being viewed by a society that expects women to be dainty, feminine, submissive as a masculine woman. Outwardly presenting myself like this was a way for me to effectively rebel against the restrictions of the female body, while clarifying my presence in the category of lesbians and signaling my unavailability to men (Woodruffe‐Burton & Bairstow, 2013). This also made me the subject of prejudice in wider society because I was now perceived as one of those people who violate traditional patterns and contradict sexual stereotypes, expectations and assumptions (Woodruffe‐Burton & Bairstow, 2013).
Going against traditional society however, did not free me from societal rules and as being masculine/butch came with its own struggles and stereotypes pushed by society which affected how I was viewed in society, and also how I interacted with others in the queer community. As someone who presented more masculine, I was expected “to be tough, to be a leader, to take care of and protect others, not to cry, not to date other butches, to be sexually dominant, and to take care of chores designated as men's responsibilities” (Levitt & Hiestand, 2004). I was now expected to be in a relationship with a feminine woman who was supposed to play the feminine roles while I played masculine ones just because of my expression, without any regard of the way I actually want to act in a relationship as if lesbian relationships also needed to mirror that of heterosexual ones. I was also expected to be dominant in bed, which seemed like an attempt to increase standing in the sexual hierarchy trying to almost mirror heterosexual sex by making the masculine more dominant and the feminine submissive. Nevertheless, my standing in the sexual hierarchy was unchanged and all of these expectations and roles were having an affect on me.
Overall, I would not want to change my standing in the sexual hierarchy, but I would want to change the whole hierarchical system, where no one felt more “unnatural” or “unaccepted” in society. Living your whole life trying to fulfill societal expectations and trying to fit yourself in a tight box in order to be accepted is tiring. Everyone should be able to feel proud of who they are without feeling the burdens of society which requires a full dismantling of a sexual hierarchy where no one is put down and judged.
